40 tabs open on a pram

You're having a baby. So, naturally, you need a pram.

Only which one? You start with a vague idea of what you like, then read a few reviews. You discover there are different kinds of wheels, that some are better for city pavements and some for country walks, that some fold more easily, some lie flatter and some turn into travel systems. Someone on Reddit says the one you were considering is terrible. Someone else says it changed their life. You open another tab.

Forty tabs later, you are no closer to deciding.

It is a small decision, but it can begin to feel strangely important. Because underneath Which pram should I buy? there can be a much bigger question: How do I know I'm going to get this right?

Modern parenthood comes with an extraordinary amount of information. There are books, podcasts, apps, forums, courses, experts and endless advice about sleep, feeding, birth, development, products and routines. Much of this can be useful, particularly when you are trying to find your way through something unfamiliar. But there can also be a point at which information stops helping us to think and starts making us more anxious about making the wrong decision.

The more advice there is, the more possibilities there are to consider. There is always another opinion, another approach you haven't thought about, another thing someone says you should know. What begins as an attempt to feel prepared can gradually become an attempt to remove uncertainty altogether.

And parenthood is full of uncertainty.

You cannot know what your baby will be like before they arrive. You cannot know how the birth will go, how you will feel afterwards, what will happen to your relationship or what kind of parent you will find yourself becoming. You can prepare, but you cannot know.

Perhaps this is part of why advice can become so compelling. When something feels uncertain, it can be reassuring to look outside ourselves for an answer. If we can just find the right information, make the right choice, follow the right approach, perhaps we can protect ourselves from getting it wrong.

But anxiety has a way of narrowing our thinking. When we are anxious, it can become much harder to hold several possibilities in mind, to tolerate not knowing, or to trust our own judgement. We can become preoccupied with finding the answer rather than thinking about what might actually be right for us, and for this particular baby.

Sometimes we can know an enormous amount and still feel as though we don't know what to do.

This is something that can be particularly difficult in parenthood because the stakes feel so high. It matters to you that your baby is safe and well. It matters that you are a good parent. And perhaps you are carrying your own hopes and fears about what being a parent will mean, as well as memories of how you were parented yourself. The wish to get it right can therefore contain much more than the decision in front of you.

The pram becomes a place for all of that anxiety to gather.

So does the birth plan. The feeding decision. Sleep. Childcare. When to go back to work. Whether you are doing enough. Whether you are doing too much.

There is a difference, though, between making a thoughtful decision and trying to find a decision that will make you feel completely certain. The first is possible. The second probably isn't.

This is one of the things therapy can offer during the transition into parenthood. Not another set of instructions, and not someone to tell you which choice is the right one, but a space in which the anxiety itself can be thought about.

When anxiety is very high, it can be difficult to think alone. Everything can feel urgent. Thoughts can go round and round without really getting anywhere. Sometimes what is needed is another mind alongside yours: somewhere to put what feels overwhelming, to make sense of it together, and gradually to turn something that feels unmanageable into something that can be thought about.

From there, it may become easier to hear your own thoughts again. You might discover that underneath the question about the pram is a fear about being responsible for another person. Or a fear of making a mistake. Or an expectation that a good parent should somehow know what to do. Or perhaps simply the very ordinary anxiety of stepping into something you have never done before.

None of this means you should stop looking things up. Parenting involves plenty of practical decisions, and sometimes you really do need information. But there may be moments when another search isn't what you need. What you need is time to stop, to think, and to notice what the uncertainty is stirring up in you.

Eventually, you have to choose a pram.

It might be the one with the best reviews. It might be the one that fits in the boot. It might simply be the one you like.

And you may change your mind.

That is part of becoming a parent too: learning that you can make decisions without knowing for certain how they will turn out, and discovering that you can think, adapt and find your way as you go.

You don't have to know exactly what you're doing to be able to do it.